I may do it.

I may run and jump off a building like...right now.

I miss people.  I want school back so I can see people I want to see...and stay away from people I no longer wish to be around.

I love Christmas.  Its lovely.  I would give it a kiss if it was a beautiful man.

I can't

Its been a long week.

I've spent too much money. and all he can keep doing is asking for another chance, but I won't.  Because I can't.  Because that would be entirely too stupid at this point.

Mmmhmm

So. This is where things change all around in different directions and different ways.

But. I must say, I am happy today.

Yawn.

It's getting old.

god damn it.

oh well. i guess.

sometimes i worry that people take things out of hand, that people get angry and dont understand.

sometimes it's hard to be appreciated. if you deserve it or just crave it.

most of the time i just refuse to be sad, lonely, or depressed. maybe that will be my strength in the end of it. i just put my no emotion face on and look at things all in the same way, as something out of my hands.

i can only do so much.

so.

i guess.

that's all i can say for today.

Let's do like bunnies do...if you know what I mean.

"Let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France, lets get rich and give our friends nice sweaters and teach them how to dance."



Mm. Sataday. No pants, no bra, in bed, feeling happy. Not moving until I reeeally feel like it.

I went to what I feel like was an "old people party" except they were all 25 and it just wasn't the same big fun when they drink specialty beer and you see your dance teacher there.

I am still a baby. I am still a child. I am still happy. I am still here. and. I still miss you.

Some Days

Some days you just want some things to change.

Some days..

You just want to feel.

Feel.

Something big.

Some days.

~the tuesday of omg.~

So.

Here I am, sitting here, and I am thinking...

This has been a very different tuesday...

I got up and got ready for a visitation and all I can say from that very sad, very sudden two hours of visitation-ing: The whole open-see the dead person-weird-akward-lookin at your lifeless loved one-thing is absolutely moving to me in some way.

Which way I'm not sure.

Then I went to babysit, then I went to the club but the line was long, then go to the place with the yummy smoking. Then Devon getting pulled over without a license. Then making a character on world of warcraft (i think i only picked the side thingie because i liked that costume the most)

And now? Now I'm sitting here...talkin to you people...at 1:45 am (even thought i have to go to a funeral tomorrow at 11 am ) feeling hungry, wantin to see your boobs (I'll show you in the car...)

You know what?

Musha musha makea me a mooshha

Ducha ducha makea me a loooolllaaaa!

Thursday thursday, I am rather happy that I don't have to skip anymore classes this week because there won't be anymore.

I just got done waging war on my fridges' freezer, with a knife.

lazlazalaza

Aah-choo?

I am a little sick.

It's dissappointing. I wanted to have fun this weekend, but instead I'm stuck in bed. Maybe if I'm a good girl and stay in bed all day I will feel better by tonight...

Maybe.

Oh well. I'm drugged up on codine, so what do I really care?

Someone bring me condesed chicken noodle soup please.

Loves.

Hi, my name is amber (Hi Amber!!) and i'm addicted to fall

I love the outdoors today. Its so pretty and cold and amazing. It is my friend. It is my lover that comes around only once a year. The leaves are changing. I am happy. Fall makes me happy. It actually feels like college now. S0..now that it feels like it, I can follow the trend and say all the things I've learned so far...

~It is true: never ever eat Kleinese
~You will stay up until 2 am even if you think 12 am is a must
~If you are in trouble and scream..no one will save you
~Walking to class everyday on the same route sucks ass
~People will come up and just tell you about vaginas with teeth
~By the time you go to bed you WILL have a food baby stomach
~By morning, it will have vanished
~Watching scary movies means getting walked home (see the third point)
~If someone else has food, you will want their food
~Always wanting to find something to do
~Somehow someone is always doing something more exciting than you
~Studying takes a backseat
~You feel guilty for not studying
~Your room is never the right temperature
annnddddd...
~friends are always close, always tired, and always up for some ice cream


love and college

Fuck.

I am feeling that more and more of the time I'm missing out on the fun.

Im not cool enough.

And then sometimes I feel really cool,

but somehow I can't feel cool all the time.

I want to be cool.

Yes, you heard me.

I want to be cool enough.

The Little Mermaid

Why is it called the little mermaid? She's a full grown woman. We all know this.

My brain feels mushy.

And not the good oatmeal-ly kind either.

Sometimes I make myself think very bad thoughts, thoughts that would make me change everything I have for something completely different. Sometimes I want exactly what I'm thinking, but I always remember to remind myself that it would never work, that it was never meant to be and I would be the one who killed everything I had to be nothing in the end.

But still. I stay up late at night thinking about it. Maybe I could help it if I really tried, but mostly I just want to hold on to the feeling, and even the small memories I have of...almost..and..maybe.

And other times, it just makes me want to cry. And no one really understands because most of the people I know knew me in high school and so all they know is what they saw of me there. I guess in a place with a whole lot more people I dont really measure up like I used to. I guess I'm not really impressive at all, or if I really ever was in high school. Maybe I wasn't at all. Maybe I'm pretty god damn jaded and I never looked beyond my nose.

It's just a little sad. That you can't always be what you thought you were going to be when you inivisioned what it could be like.

So now all I can do is dream a dream that will not come true. I have no chance. I don't have what it takes and all I can say is...yeah. I was there, yeah. I was one of the girls on the inside.

Because you know, not many people can say that.

So I kind of, live in the past, no matter how lame and sad that makes me.

Im just a throwback to an exciting moment in my own life, that I relive over and over again.

Babble.

I am grumpy.

I am a grumpy angry bitch.

I'm such a bitch I hate myself for being a bitch and tell myself to stop.

I'm not surprised that like...all college students are depressed.

Not one little bit.

If you have five apples...

This weekend? It was a rough one. I just wanted to take a nap. And nap and nap and nap.

So..I have no homework done yet, but hey...I'm a college student, I can go hang out for a few hours tonight and then do my homework at one a.m.

Why? Because no one cares.

Its my grandmas birthday on the 9th. Shes turning 57. I am going to buy her something from the bookstore. Because I can.

My answer for a lot of things lately is because I can.


Because I can.

The Best Creeper I Know

If I look out my window I can see her window, and I wonder...Is she creepin in there?

Its liz. And forever more during the night I will wonder if shes busy creepin.

Don't get me wrong, she doesn't mean to creep, but she just can't help it. And one day...one day that roommate of hers will find out.

You see...liz's bed is taller than her roommates bed, and at night when she tries to get a little sleep she sometimes accidentally stares at her roommate across from her.

I do hope that one day her roommate will wake up and find an awkward staring liz and so from then on every time they interact...it will be awkward. Very awkward.

Liz is my favorite creeper.

The end.

(I think that by writing this I am also a very large creeper, and I'm just okay with that.)

Grandma's House and Other Curious Stories

Today I went to my great grandmother's house. It smells like really bad fruity dark red candles and dust and hairspray and Virginia Slims.

Grandma always gets up to hug me when I come over, I really like it that my 80 year old grandma gets up to hug me when it takes her three tries to get up...when some 18 year olds I know don't really feel like getting up to hug me.

Anyways. Grandma's cat was my cat, but that cat used to beat the shit out of me in the night (I had to hide under my covers and move my legs alot because she jumped on me and attacked me and made me cry) so we gave her to grandma because she likes old people better.

The cat bit her, she has two vampire wounds on her hand. Her hand's all swollen and scary looking. She thinks the cat gave her rabies. (The cat hasn't been outside in 8 years) I tried to calm her worries.

Yeah so I told her my story about Copernicus. Copernicus is the humming bird that got stuck in the pole barn at my house and was so tired it just sat in your hand. We put Copernicus in the flowers to take a restie...but then he decided to take the Ultimate Restie and I was very sad. I checked on Copernicus today. He looks very peaceful in his flowery Ultimate Restie spot. I hope the dog doesn't end up eating him.



So today I went to see Kaity. She was dog sitting. She was dogsitting Gizmo. My favorite dog. He has some sort of nasal breathing problem and he has to gear up to make it up the stairs and he has those buggy eyes and I am in love with him. He sounds like he's snoring really hard when he gets excited and wants a treat. I love him.

These are my stories for today.

Grandma, Copernicus, and Gizmo...I love them all.

Crazy Days

Tonight I am at home. I haven't slept in my dorm room in like...three nights. I think that I probably need to start doing that more often.

I am very lucky that I have the next three days off because I have so much homework it scares me. Wait until finals come around, someones going to need to take me to the hospital after its all over to get me to not go insane with caffiene and nicotine and studying my brains to mush. Mush I tell you!

You see? Im already worrying about finals and I just got done with my first week. Hrm, not good.

OMG.

So devon and I were driving down the highway and this mexican lady was in the middle of it and it was dark and she was trying to get us to hit her. Luckily, we did not hit her. But I screamed and devon called the police to say some crazy lady was trying to get hit by a car...

maybe she has finals in something this week...

So...

I suppose I'm a super cool blogger now. Great, another reason not to do my heaps of assignments.

Now I will fail.

But, this seems like fun so why not.

I get to be in my dorm room right now, sitting next to my books and stuff, not actually doing anything with them. I am a bad kid, scary scary.