My brain feels mushy.

And not the good oatmeal-ly kind either.

Sometimes I make myself think very bad thoughts, thoughts that would make me change everything I have for something completely different. Sometimes I want exactly what I'm thinking, but I always remember to remind myself that it would never work, that it was never meant to be and I would be the one who killed everything I had to be nothing in the end.

But still. I stay up late at night thinking about it. Maybe I could help it if I really tried, but mostly I just want to hold on to the feeling, and even the small memories I have of...almost..and..maybe.

And other times, it just makes me want to cry. And no one really understands because most of the people I know knew me in high school and so all they know is what they saw of me there. I guess in a place with a whole lot more people I dont really measure up like I used to. I guess I'm not really impressive at all, or if I really ever was in high school. Maybe I wasn't at all. Maybe I'm pretty god damn jaded and I never looked beyond my nose.

It's just a little sad. That you can't always be what you thought you were going to be when you inivisioned what it could be like.

So now all I can do is dream a dream that will not come true. I have no chance. I don't have what it takes and all I can say is...yeah. I was there, yeah. I was one of the girls on the inside.

Because you know, not many people can say that.

So I kind of, live in the past, no matter how lame and sad that makes me.

Im just a throwback to an exciting moment in my own life, that I relive over and over again.