urgh.

oh christmas...i'm not even excited for you this year. what's with that?

I'm glad I ranted. I feel a tad better now.

small rant to self.

So here I am. Just kind of sitting around staring at things. Not doing anything but the bare minimum. Not concerned enough with the consequences. Look at me. Sitting here typing this while I have homework to do and lies to email my professors. I can't even make myself get the motivation to lie to save my own ass.

I can't even pick my classes for next semester because every time I go to look...I can't pick. I don't know what to do.

My room's a mess. My head is a mess. I'm hungry and I don't even feel like getting up to feed myself. I don't feel like reaching over to turn on the tv. There's no music. There's nothing but me sitting here staring at this screen. Not having a damn thing to do but all the things that are piling up that are supposed to be done. Sitting here.

My future just looks like a big black hole from here. I don't really know what I want to be. I keep throwing my ideas out the window. I want to be a teacher...but where to start? Where to start?? I don't have the motivation to find out!! I'm just sitting here.

I'm getting discouraged so fast. I'm waiting for the floor to drop out. Urgh. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm a big blob of nothing.

And everyone is leaving me.

He says he loves me. That he wants me to be his wife. Those are the small joys of my days. But he's not here. And I am. Lonely as fuck. Stupid as can be. Sitting here. Shit. I'm failing life. Shit!

Don't tell anyone. I don't want anyone to know. I need to start over. I need to get up.

here goes nothin sweetheart

Sometimes I am just so god damn jealous of people.

Like..

I wish I was as stunning and gorgeous as this person.
I wish my boyfriend was here like this person's is.
I wish I was as smart as this person.
I wish I was as bad ass as this person.
I wish I never had to worry like this person.
I wish I was as fearless as this person.
I wish I had a beautiful body like this person.
I wish someone loved me as much as this person is loved.


I wish and wish and wish and change myself from day to day. I really do. I really do..

raar

Good morning sunshine, the earth says hello!!

High five.

Spread a little joy today, a little bit of happiness you'll see...

philly cream cheese commercial :)

it's quiet time

He is gone and I am a mess.

I'm supposed to be stronger than this.

It stops here.

I love my life!

yeah...I admit it!

What now bitches??

Can't bring this one down. Ha ha! I win.

:)

I love my people. You make my life.

deep breaths.

at this point...

i would go to korea if that's what it would take.

he says, "hey baby"
i say, "hi love"

and we're together, if only in my mind. who's ever been so heartbroken and so full of the happiness of love at the same time? these tears, they're understandable...

when all i want is to hold the man i love, if only for a moment..it would be more than i've ever had.

please help me be strong this september.

"distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough."

I fight like a girl.

So many different things make me cry.

I can't figure something out.  I cry.

I want something so badly it hurts.  I cry.

I worry until the worst things are happening in my mind to the ones I love.  I cry.

I get in trouble and can't do anything right.  I cry.

Someone else is in pain, or someone else is so very happy.  I cry.

I watch a movie with a beautiful story.  I cry.

I hear a song that hits just the right spot.  I cry.

Someone says something unexpectedly lovely, or cruel.  I cry.

I have cried because of each and every one of these reasons some time in the last forty eight hours, but there is one more reason that I did not mention.

I figure out that love is all around me.  

I cry.

I know that love will hurt me, leave me, take me for granted, and punish me.  But, I know that it will always be there in some way, from someone.  It will hold me, guide me, please me, and fill me up.  

Tears aren't always bad.  I know to never try to hold them back now, they're as much a part of my personality as my blatant sarcasm and terrible jokes.  

I love my tears, just as much as I love the people who ask me if I need a shoulder to cry on.

When I don't know what to do anymore.  When I can't make things make sense...

I cry.

Then, I fight.  

Like a girl.

I fight with strength, logic, beauty, and passion.

Just like a girl should.

Waiting Dance

We all know things change.  Alter, spiral, congeal, separate, and mold into something for us to shape our every day lives around.

I am in a place where moments, days, and weeks are just blending together.  I am doing a waiting dance.

I have things I am doing while I'm waiting for the things I want to be doing.  

I am trying to find a job while I am waiting to find a way out of this house.

I am sleeping while I am waiting to get to the next day.

I am talking to him while I am waiting for him to come home.

I am worrying about him while I am waiting for him to be safe.

I am passing the days while I am waiting to go back to school.

I am passing school while I am waiting to get on with my life.

I am closing my eyes while I am waiting for the voices to stop.

I am moving while I am waiting to be moved.

there is only one thing that is certain. 

I am living while I am loving.

I am loving while I am living.

That is what matters most in my life.  The love I feel and give and take.

Love is my answer.

So while I wait for my Love to change, to become stronger, to develop...to come home.

I wait knowing that it is all worth my time.  I wait knowing that somedays will be here eventually.

Somedays, I love the thought of my somedays.

i gotta have you.

I am a mystery- even to myself. As soon as I have myself figured out I go and do something unexpected.

Never in my life did I think, "Oh yeah, I will definitely start a long distance affair with a man half a world away that I will completely fall for and be willing to wait around for."

But, that's pretty much exactly what I'm doing. You never know who you're going to meet or just how much they'll effect you. Just when you're thinking you're done with men, he will come along and knock you over, making you want to be the one they talk to day after agonizing day.

You never want to say too much, you never want to scare them away. You are surprised and pulled further in each time they say something sinfully sweet. You cannot wait to fall asleep so you can wake up and see if a new message is in your inbox. And, oh, how your heart leaps if there is one and drops if there isn't.

Some days you think you've gone insane, especially those days you don't hear from him at all. You jump to painful conclusions-it was all in your head-something that great could never actually happen to you-you said something that made him erase your name- those days can lead to a grumpy exterior and an unavoidibly crushed interior.

Then the next day comes, and there he is again. Like he was never gone. Like everyone in the world just fell asleep together and you were the only insomniac. You're happy. You are completely prepared to skip and dance and sing mushy love songs and reread those messages over and over.

This is who I am today. I am just a girl falling head over heels when it may never work out. I am taking the risk. I am just a girl hoping and dreaming of a man who can make her the best and most fulfilled version of herself.

Maybe I'm going insane, but if it feels this good to be insane - then give it to me.

He asked for my phone number today. If a man wanted to take time to call you from Japan...don't you think you'd give him the number too?

they call her love.

I cannot tell a lie. I am a relationship ninja, magician, and game show host.

I can make it look like I'm in love. I can be madly in love. Unfortunately, those two things can look the same. I can break up with them and leave them crushed, they can break up with me and leave me crushed...but in the end...when they're begging to have me back...I am the ninja.

They always end up crushed. I am a ninja. I will leave you agonized.


I can make it seem like I'm in it for the long haul. Years and years of my life can be devoted to you and I will never stray. But. I know how to get out. I know how to make myself seem so undesireable that he will back away. I am a magician. I break up with you and you think "thank god...that was getting a little scary" but then two hours later you're thinking "she was never like that before. i want the way she was back" I am a magician, I proceed to disappear.

A magician knows how to paint a vision and then make it all wipe away. So fast.


I can make a man take interest. I can make a man want to play the game. And I will offer the prizes, and he will be excited to be in a place where he could be winning the prizes. Then, he can do just one thing. And I can say "ohhhh I'm so sorry, you have lost the game! but you can have the prize of being my friend instead"

And. he is confused and sometimes angry and he feels cheated out of his prize.

But. I win.

I always win. In the end.

Because I'm not going to let anyone take advantage of me, I refuse to be the cold broken old woman. I am the young talented full of life woman.

And though sometimes it takes me quite a while to figure it out, I always find that part of myself again...

Then.

I win.

Does it make me a bitch? Perhaps.

But, when I do find the one man who really makes me feel loved and not owned or used or like a whore, then I will become student of love instead of a student of manipulation.

until that day.

I will always win.
because I can.
because I am worth more than that.
because I am smart and beautiful and above all loveable.

Just like all of you.

Sing Me

If I were a song...what would I be?

I cannot choose one to be. I cannot decide what is me.




My life cannot be summed up. I wish it could be. There is no word to describe it like people want you to when they ask how you are.

"Good"? I am not good. But I am not bad. But I am not great. But I am not good.
"Fine"? I am not fine. What the hell is fine anyways.
"Oh You Know"? But I don't know. How could they possibly know?

So what word can be used in this situation? Ish. I am Ish.

I am not in love. I am not happy every day. I am not sad every day. I am not excited. I am not tired. I am not inspired.
I don't like anyone. I don't want anyone. I don't care enough. I will not change enough to fit what people would want.

I will not change!! I will not put on tighter clothes. I will not wear more make up. I will not flirt with you. I will not compliment you. I will not be nicer just so you can think I'm the sweetest girl in the whole wide world. And why? Because I'm fucking NOT the sweetest girl in the whole wide world. I am sarcastic and rude and cruel, but its all in my nature. I cannot take a joke but I expect you to. SO! If you can't deal with that then I can't deal with flirting with you. I can't deal with dating you and spending my time on you and ultimately falling in love with you. I won't do it. I won't change.

I am. Who. I am.

And. I will change only as I go and bloom and love and die. I will not change because you want me to. Because you want me to fit into your box. I am done with that charade. I am me.

I am a song. Sing me.

Resolutions.

I was watching the Today Show last week and it told me: If you want to make New Year resolutions make them small.  If you want to lose weight, don't say that you're going to go to the gym for an hour every day, say that you're going to do crunches for thirty seconds every morning.  Before you know it doing that small thing that you can actually commit to will make you inspired to do even more that you can, indeed, handle.

So here are mine.

1. To become more confident I will talk to more people who I don't know and care less about the bad things people think about me.  (Instead of saying, to be more confident I will find five new friends and get five dates in the coming year)

2. To become a well rounded person I will compliment people when I like something about them.  (Instead of saying, to be well rounded I will stop judging entirely)

3. To become less of a procrastinator I will think before I accept invitations.  (Instead of saying I will do everything as soon as I possibly can)

Those are my new resolutions.  And, I really like them.  

Love.