Yep.

How I spent my Valentine's Day...

I got up and did all the things I usually do.

I helped a friend by making a last minute floral arrangement.

I watched Jeopardy.

I ate dinner.

I cleaned my birds' cage.

I went to bed.

No flowers, no candy, no cards, no hearts.

Just, luckily, a boyfriend who loves me from far away. At least there's him.

I want more.

I feel a little off lately.

I'm sleeping more and more. I'm enjoying my dreams more than the hours when I'm awake. I even enjoy the scary dreams, they're like a movie in my head and they're so creative I barely believe that I am the one who is really dreaming them.

Last night, I had many dreams and somehow they all just seem to flow into one another. I dreamt that I lived in a place where there was an evil dictator and if you could bleed, you were to die. So this giant man on a sleigh rode down the streets and killed all these people who were bleeding and he stabbed me with a fork. Yes, a fork. So I was bleeding, but he didn't see so I ran away. It was odd. But so very exciting.

I think I need more excitement in my life. But, I think it might get me in trouble.

Explosion

I took some pictures for photography major friend. Did not tell boyfriend as to surprise him with slightly sexy pictures.

Conversation:

Me: boyfriend, look at this super-sweet picture of me which was taken with you in mind.

BF: why the fuck aren't you wearing a shirt.

Me: oh, it was completely innocent, I promise honey. I mean, it's just my back.

BF: no one sees your tits but me.

Me: no one did. he was very respectful. I thought you would like it..

BF: I don't trust that emo bitch.

Me: I'm sorry...I promise nothing happened..

BF: I don't care, put yourself in my position.

Goddamn. Cannot win. Try to surprise boyfriend, boyfriend pissy for three days. Stupid, stupid girl. Could not even be angry that possessive boyfriend called my chest my "tits." Too shocked at instant infuriation.

GAH.

Floating Along

I've started to get into my winter niche, which isn't good. It means I don't really want to go out, I would rather keep my head on my pillow and my mouth on silent. It also means I don't get anything done, I sit and think about the things I should do and stare at the tv instead of actually doing any of it.

I must keep myself motivated throughout this next year, I must. I cannot let myself be dragged down by my lonely depression and anti-social tendencies. Breathe in, breathe out. Success is just around the corner. I keep on trying to remind myself that a year really isn't all that long. It's a few holidays, a couple classes, no big deal. It'll be over before I know it and then Andrew and I can finally start a life together instead of floating along apart.

Yes, plans have changed. But that's ok, because now I can focus on bigger plans for a little later on. It's not about what we have to do to be together, Andrew and I are used to being apart, we work well from a distance and it doesn't take as much work as it might for other people. So we can think about what's going to happen when we're actually together. It will be beautiful, like a dream come true.

I can imagine, twenty years from now sitting with my husband and my children and telling those kids the stories about how strong we were while their dad was far away and encouraging them to try to be as patient as we had to be for the ones they really love.

For now, it is of course...one day at a time. Enjoy the slow times before it all gets too fast.

It hasn't gotten much better

but it has somewhat sunk in.

I doubt I've ever been that shocked by news before, you expect to hear a lot of things throughout your day. But not something like that. Not that the man you love is being sent across an ocean for a year.

Plans have been ruined, hopes have been dashed. Its another year of wondering if he's safe, wondering if he'll forget how much he loves me from so far away. Another year of constantly having my phone in my hand in case he calls. Another year of figuring out the time difference.

It makes me want to pull my hair out. It makes me want to scream. I just sit with my head in my hands...

But we'll make it. There was never a second thought for either of us, we will get through this, together.

"She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've git a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know we got into this mess is it god's test?
Someone help us cause we're doing our best

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gunna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time"

the worst day...

I have not been this angry...ever.

I am in love. I am so, so in love.

He was in Japan, for over a year. I just got him back, I just got him so close.

And now....

NOW!

They want to send him to AFRICA for a year??? Why?

I've been so patient, I've been so very lonely for so long.

1 year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days.

It hurts. So..much. I am heartbroken.

I know you know I know.

You know that feeling when you just close your eyes, your eyebrows scrunch up, your mouth blows out some pent up air that feels like it has been in your lungs for months? It doesn't really make you feel better, its finally succumbing to that nice heavy weight on you. But, that's just fine.

I know, some days feel like doom. I know.

I know that because I am just like the rest of people milling around me having good days, bad days. Sparse smiles, lackluster feelings of acceptance of another day.

That's the funny part, the great part. Tomorrow always comes.

Thank goodness. And goodness, who ever you are, thanks for letting me thank you all the time.