Yep.

How I spent my Valentine's Day...

I got up and did all the things I usually do.

I helped a friend by making a last minute floral arrangement.

I watched Jeopardy.

I ate dinner.

I cleaned my birds' cage.

I went to bed.

No flowers, no candy, no cards, no hearts.

Just, luckily, a boyfriend who loves me from far away. At least there's him.

I want more.

I feel a little off lately.

I'm sleeping more and more. I'm enjoying my dreams more than the hours when I'm awake. I even enjoy the scary dreams, they're like a movie in my head and they're so creative I barely believe that I am the one who is really dreaming them.

Last night, I had many dreams and somehow they all just seem to flow into one another. I dreamt that I lived in a place where there was an evil dictator and if you could bleed, you were to die. So this giant man on a sleigh rode down the streets and killed all these people who were bleeding and he stabbed me with a fork. Yes, a fork. So I was bleeding, but he didn't see so I ran away. It was odd. But so very exciting.

I think I need more excitement in my life. But, I think it might get me in trouble.

Explosion

I took some pictures for photography major friend. Did not tell boyfriend as to surprise him with slightly sexy pictures.

Conversation:

Me: boyfriend, look at this super-sweet picture of me which was taken with you in mind.

BF: why the fuck aren't you wearing a shirt.

Me: oh, it was completely innocent, I promise honey. I mean, it's just my back.

BF: no one sees your tits but me.

Me: no one did. he was very respectful. I thought you would like it..

BF: I don't trust that emo bitch.

Me: I'm sorry...I promise nothing happened..

BF: I don't care, put yourself in my position.

Goddamn. Cannot win. Try to surprise boyfriend, boyfriend pissy for three days. Stupid, stupid girl. Could not even be angry that possessive boyfriend called my chest my "tits." Too shocked at instant infuriation.

GAH.

Floating Along

I've started to get into my winter niche, which isn't good. It means I don't really want to go out, I would rather keep my head on my pillow and my mouth on silent. It also means I don't get anything done, I sit and think about the things I should do and stare at the tv instead of actually doing any of it.

I must keep myself motivated throughout this next year, I must. I cannot let myself be dragged down by my lonely depression and anti-social tendencies. Breathe in, breathe out. Success is just around the corner. I keep on trying to remind myself that a year really isn't all that long. It's a few holidays, a couple classes, no big deal. It'll be over before I know it and then Andrew and I can finally start a life together instead of floating along apart.

Yes, plans have changed. But that's ok, because now I can focus on bigger plans for a little later on. It's not about what we have to do to be together, Andrew and I are used to being apart, we work well from a distance and it doesn't take as much work as it might for other people. So we can think about what's going to happen when we're actually together. It will be beautiful, like a dream come true.

I can imagine, twenty years from now sitting with my husband and my children and telling those kids the stories about how strong we were while their dad was far away and encouraging them to try to be as patient as we had to be for the ones they really love.

For now, it is of course...one day at a time. Enjoy the slow times before it all gets too fast.

It hasn't gotten much better

but it has somewhat sunk in.

I doubt I've ever been that shocked by news before, you expect to hear a lot of things throughout your day. But not something like that. Not that the man you love is being sent across an ocean for a year.

Plans have been ruined, hopes have been dashed. Its another year of wondering if he's safe, wondering if he'll forget how much he loves me from so far away. Another year of constantly having my phone in my hand in case he calls. Another year of figuring out the time difference.

It makes me want to pull my hair out. It makes me want to scream. I just sit with my head in my hands...

But we'll make it. There was never a second thought for either of us, we will get through this, together.

"She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've git a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know we got into this mess is it god's test?
Someone help us cause we're doing our best

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gunna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time"

the worst day...

I have not been this angry...ever.

I am in love. I am so, so in love.

He was in Japan, for over a year. I just got him back, I just got him so close.

And now....

NOW!

They want to send him to AFRICA for a year??? Why?

I've been so patient, I've been so very lonely for so long.

1 year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days.

It hurts. So..much. I am heartbroken.

I know you know I know.

You know that feeling when you just close your eyes, your eyebrows scrunch up, your mouth blows out some pent up air that feels like it has been in your lungs for months? It doesn't really make you feel better, its finally succumbing to that nice heavy weight on you. But, that's just fine.

I know, some days feel like doom. I know.

I know that because I am just like the rest of people milling around me having good days, bad days. Sparse smiles, lackluster feelings of acceptance of another day.

That's the funny part, the great part. Tomorrow always comes.

Thank goodness. And goodness, who ever you are, thanks for letting me thank you all the time.

Honestly.

There is a place I know.



Where my tears can fall and help plant something brand new.
With my bleeding heart, I grow beauty with the same name.




~~~

There is a place I know.




Where one day, my life will be full.
With the one who truly loves me, showing me what happiness can really be.




~~~

Someday. Someday I will know what it is like to feel love every moment of my life.
Someday, I won't wonder why.
Because I will know.

When everyone else only finds flaws.
My love will be there to find my beauty.
Just when I think it is gone.
Someday.

For now my heart aches.
My home is just walls.
I am simply visiting the places I know until I may stay in them.

urgh.

oh christmas...i'm not even excited for you this year. what's with that?

I'm glad I ranted. I feel a tad better now.

small rant to self.

So here I am. Just kind of sitting around staring at things. Not doing anything but the bare minimum. Not concerned enough with the consequences. Look at me. Sitting here typing this while I have homework to do and lies to email my professors. I can't even make myself get the motivation to lie to save my own ass.

I can't even pick my classes for next semester because every time I go to look...I can't pick. I don't know what to do.

My room's a mess. My head is a mess. I'm hungry and I don't even feel like getting up to feed myself. I don't feel like reaching over to turn on the tv. There's no music. There's nothing but me sitting here staring at this screen. Not having a damn thing to do but all the things that are piling up that are supposed to be done. Sitting here.

My future just looks like a big black hole from here. I don't really know what I want to be. I keep throwing my ideas out the window. I want to be a teacher...but where to start? Where to start?? I don't have the motivation to find out!! I'm just sitting here.

I'm getting discouraged so fast. I'm waiting for the floor to drop out. Urgh. I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm a big blob of nothing.

And everyone is leaving me.

He says he loves me. That he wants me to be his wife. Those are the small joys of my days. But he's not here. And I am. Lonely as fuck. Stupid as can be. Sitting here. Shit. I'm failing life. Shit!

Don't tell anyone. I don't want anyone to know. I need to start over. I need to get up.

here goes nothin sweetheart

Sometimes I am just so god damn jealous of people.

Like..

I wish I was as stunning and gorgeous as this person.
I wish my boyfriend was here like this person's is.
I wish I was as smart as this person.
I wish I was as bad ass as this person.
I wish I never had to worry like this person.
I wish I was as fearless as this person.
I wish I had a beautiful body like this person.
I wish someone loved me as much as this person is loved.


I wish and wish and wish and change myself from day to day. I really do. I really do..

raar

Good morning sunshine, the earth says hello!!

High five.

Spread a little joy today, a little bit of happiness you'll see...

philly cream cheese commercial :)

it's quiet time

He is gone and I am a mess.

I'm supposed to be stronger than this.

It stops here.

I love my life!

yeah...I admit it!

What now bitches??

Can't bring this one down. Ha ha! I win.

:)

I love my people. You make my life.

deep breaths.

at this point...

i would go to korea if that's what it would take.

he says, "hey baby"
i say, "hi love"

and we're together, if only in my mind. who's ever been so heartbroken and so full of the happiness of love at the same time? these tears, they're understandable...

when all i want is to hold the man i love, if only for a moment..it would be more than i've ever had.

please help me be strong this september.

"distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough."

I fight like a girl.

So many different things make me cry.

I can't figure something out.  I cry.

I want something so badly it hurts.  I cry.

I worry until the worst things are happening in my mind to the ones I love.  I cry.

I get in trouble and can't do anything right.  I cry.

Someone else is in pain, or someone else is so very happy.  I cry.

I watch a movie with a beautiful story.  I cry.

I hear a song that hits just the right spot.  I cry.

Someone says something unexpectedly lovely, or cruel.  I cry.

I have cried because of each and every one of these reasons some time in the last forty eight hours, but there is one more reason that I did not mention.

I figure out that love is all around me.  

I cry.

I know that love will hurt me, leave me, take me for granted, and punish me.  But, I know that it will always be there in some way, from someone.  It will hold me, guide me, please me, and fill me up.  

Tears aren't always bad.  I know to never try to hold them back now, they're as much a part of my personality as my blatant sarcasm and terrible jokes.  

I love my tears, just as much as I love the people who ask me if I need a shoulder to cry on.

When I don't know what to do anymore.  When I can't make things make sense...

I cry.

Then, I fight.  

Like a girl.

I fight with strength, logic, beauty, and passion.

Just like a girl should.

Waiting Dance

We all know things change.  Alter, spiral, congeal, separate, and mold into something for us to shape our every day lives around.

I am in a place where moments, days, and weeks are just blending together.  I am doing a waiting dance.

I have things I am doing while I'm waiting for the things I want to be doing.  

I am trying to find a job while I am waiting to find a way out of this house.

I am sleeping while I am waiting to get to the next day.

I am talking to him while I am waiting for him to come home.

I am worrying about him while I am waiting for him to be safe.

I am passing the days while I am waiting to go back to school.

I am passing school while I am waiting to get on with my life.

I am closing my eyes while I am waiting for the voices to stop.

I am moving while I am waiting to be moved.

there is only one thing that is certain. 

I am living while I am loving.

I am loving while I am living.

That is what matters most in my life.  The love I feel and give and take.

Love is my answer.

So while I wait for my Love to change, to become stronger, to develop...to come home.

I wait knowing that it is all worth my time.  I wait knowing that somedays will be here eventually.

Somedays, I love the thought of my somedays.

i gotta have you.

I am a mystery- even to myself. As soon as I have myself figured out I go and do something unexpected.

Never in my life did I think, "Oh yeah, I will definitely start a long distance affair with a man half a world away that I will completely fall for and be willing to wait around for."

But, that's pretty much exactly what I'm doing. You never know who you're going to meet or just how much they'll effect you. Just when you're thinking you're done with men, he will come along and knock you over, making you want to be the one they talk to day after agonizing day.

You never want to say too much, you never want to scare them away. You are surprised and pulled further in each time they say something sinfully sweet. You cannot wait to fall asleep so you can wake up and see if a new message is in your inbox. And, oh, how your heart leaps if there is one and drops if there isn't.

Some days you think you've gone insane, especially those days you don't hear from him at all. You jump to painful conclusions-it was all in your head-something that great could never actually happen to you-you said something that made him erase your name- those days can lead to a grumpy exterior and an unavoidibly crushed interior.

Then the next day comes, and there he is again. Like he was never gone. Like everyone in the world just fell asleep together and you were the only insomniac. You're happy. You are completely prepared to skip and dance and sing mushy love songs and reread those messages over and over.

This is who I am today. I am just a girl falling head over heels when it may never work out. I am taking the risk. I am just a girl hoping and dreaming of a man who can make her the best and most fulfilled version of herself.

Maybe I'm going insane, but if it feels this good to be insane - then give it to me.

He asked for my phone number today. If a man wanted to take time to call you from Japan...don't you think you'd give him the number too?